"Welcome to the real world"
5 words I thought I was ready for, SPOILER ALERT... I was
not, and am not. Auburn was my safe place, I always knew that but I didn't know
just how dependent I was on my little safety blanket. The harsh truth of my reliance
of that place and the people there has risen to the surface. Not only so but I
have been struggling with a strange negative outlook on life. This is not at
all how I pictured my glamorous, fun, post college life.
I have been blessed BEYOND words these past few months; but
I have a hard time looking at the glass half full, and I don't understand why.
One night, way past my bedtime (which is when I do my best deep thinking) I realized
that I was tired. But not your average, oh I should get some sleep tired, but spiritually
exhausted. These past few months I had prayed my broken heart out for
healing, and rejoiced harder than I had ever before, all in a short period. My
heart has been on a yo-yo since May. Now the dust has settled and my new intern
friends have all gone home and I am now an alumni of my safe place. So here I
am a spiritually exhausted, scared little girl in a big city.
Hmmm... how can I refresh my thirst for Christ and get it
back together. I haven't prayed as hard, or felt as moved as I used to in a
while. I know that my heart is craving to get back in the game because every
Sunday I cry during worship. My heart is crying out to God. I'm trying to be
strong but maybe I am trying to do it all on my own without even knowing it. I
am under a lot of real world stress that I am not use to and distractions that
didn't use to be there. I have been really wondering if I have missed my
purpose, or that I am in the wrong field of work. I am also trying to find a
place to live; I have never cared so much about the cost. But when everything
that is decent and safe is over half my pay check it is stressful and
discouraging. Stress is an easy excuse, and one I have used for too long. I
keep trying to figure it out on my own and do it fast; I feel like I don't have
time to wait on God to tell me where to go. But that attitude is the same
attitude that got me in a position of reconsidering if this is the right field
of work for me. So now, more than ever I have to be patient. I have to
continuously recite 1 Peter 5:7 (Cast all your anxieties on Him because He
cares for you) over and over.
God has no concern with earthly time; so when I hear the
world's clock ticking and I am racing to find a new place to live, God is
calling me to lean on Him. But the world wants me to think I don't have time.
The devil is very clever and plays tricks on us to draw us away from God. I
have been buying into those tricks and throwing myself a nice long pity party.
I yearn for my Lord, I am starving for His Peace and thirsty for His Grace. I
want to get back in the game. I want to put it all in His capable hands and
bask in His presence. The Lord knows I want to live out His purpose for me, if
I didn't I wouldn't be so stressed to find it, but if I was ready...I wouldn't
be stressed. So I will wait, I will wait for my Lord. I will humble myself on
my knees and I will give Him full control.
