Faith & Football

As a girl raised in Alabama I grew up watching football. I remember when my father got me a book about the rules of football. He felt this was a necessary read before I went out for cheerleader in the 6^th grade. I love Saturdays in the fall, I love everything about football; I even love the crazy rivalries. And when I fell in love with Auburn football I fell hard. I was just an average girl who loved football and could talk stats with the boys, until the 2010 football season.

The fall/winter of 2010 was pretty life altering for me. I felt some major changes coming for my family but I never expected what happened. I remember how that football season felt different. Every win felt personal, every win lifted my spirits higher and higher and gave me something to look forward to each week. The morning of the SEC championship game verse South Carolina on December 4^th, 2010 I got a phone call that rocked my world. I can still remember my Aunt Bess coming to spend the day with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I remember barely eating and staring out the cold window heartbroken and terrified of what might happen to my family. When it got closer to kick off I told my sweet Aunt B that I was okay, and thanked her for coming. I got to a friends house and was memorized as the boys who had carried my spirits through the season did it for me again! That night I was able to completely forget all of my pain and worries and focus on something positive. I knew brighter days would come.

Unfortunately it got much darker for my family before it got better. Yet the Auburn Tigers football season hit a high! We won our second National Championship and I had fallen even more in love with my team. They helped me survive even though they didn’t know my name.

Fast forward to the 2013 football season. Again this season of my life has been tough. All though not to the level of 2010, but on a personal level it has been rocky. On November 14, 2013 my position was eliminated at work. I was just in shock. I went home and saw Auburn take on Georgia. That game completely occupied my mind! With 30 some seconds left in the game we took back the lead and won. That catch was referred to as the miracle in Jordan-Hare. In the 2 weeks following that game I was hoping for a job interview, which I am still patiently :) waiting for. Then, all of that went out the window when 2:30pm came around on Iron Bowl Saturday. I watched a team of young men fearlessly fight the odds and have faith in each other on a national stage. This year’s team is so special to me because they continue to show the people that if you refuse to give up, and if you can believe in something bigger than yourself…anything can happen. You can start off a season not on anyone’s radar and prove yourself over and over until you have everyone’s attention. In this season of my life I don’t have a job, I applied for unemployment before turning 24. But I have faith that my God will lead me. I have faith that it will get better, and that I won’t get left behind. I think sometimes God lets us have faith in something tangible like a football team to remind us how to believe again. Auburn may not win the next game, but I am just so grateful for what they have done for my spirits once again.

I love my God, I love my alma mater, and I love my team! They have reminded me just because you are knocked down doesn’t mean you can’t get back up. And no matter how bad things used to be, they don’t have to be any more.

War Eagle, and Hire Me Please!

The Healing Power of Music

Tonight I got to go do my official in hospital training with Musicians On Call. My sweet friend and trainer Dana, allowed me to get a peek into the magical world of the healing power of music.

Once I arrived at Vanderbilt University Hospital I met the two musicians who are brothers. One had a guitar and the other a snare drum (don’t worry he had a towel over it to cut down on the volume). Dana arrived and we headed to the cardiac unit. I, for some reason, thought this wouldn't really affect me, but it did. I don’t know if I will ever get over the initial flash back and gut wrenching feeling I get as I walk into a hospital. The sights and sounds make my legs go numb and knock the breath out of me. Everywhere I look I see my Daddy. I see him in every person in those beds. My heart breaks, especially for the people who are alone. We walk in the first room and I try to shake the memories clouding my mind from the task at hand. The first man is alone; he has a long fresh scar down the center of his chest. The musicians walk in and start to sing “Washed by the Water” by Needtobreathe. I try to hide my watering eyes. I adore that song, the words are so powerful. “Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes I am washed by the water.” No matter what happens to us, good, bad, or ugly we are still washed by the water. Nothing can ever take that away from us. That was such a good song to start with. I got to have my little moment and after that I knew I could keep it together.

The blessings didn't stop there. We visited 30+ hospital rooms and I saw some smiles that are etched onto my heart forever. We had nurses coming up to us saying certain rooms were requesting us, (even though we were going to be going to all the rooms on the floor it was awesome so many patients were excited). There was one room that we were told by 4 different nurses that was very insistent that we stop by. Once we got back around to this room I could feel the woman’s excitement. She was much older and had probably had a very long day. She lit up so bright it was completely contagious. I will never forget her smile. At one point during the night we had a little crowd of patients following us around. It was so cool to see how many of them were willing to follow the music and stand in the hallway just to catch another song.

Its nights like tonight that become seared in your mind, and hopefully stored away for times you feel bad about yourself. Tonight put it in perspective for me. Things don’t seem to be going exactly my way right now, but I am okay. I live in a world where hope isn't lost, where music is medicine and where love is a beautiful part of who we are. It is easy to get caught up in me, me, me (trust me I am an only child), but that is not who God created us to be. We were created in love, to go and love. 

1 Corinthians 16:14 Let all that you do be done in love.
xoxo

Breaking My Silence

It has been a long year since I posted last. There were times I longed to write it all down and share my struggles and triumphs with everyone, but something always got it the way. I can be the queen of excuses when I want to be. But to my defense some of my excuses were legit! I wanted to write about my Dad and what we were going through, but his case wasn't closed yet, and I wanted to err on the side of caution. In this day and age whatever you put out into cyber space can be used against you. Then there was the apartment disaster. Seriously, a nightmare, an expensive one too. I was nervous to post anything about that horrible experience because I knew the antagonist was unpredictable and it might make matters even worse. I started a new job that I thought would be perfect for me, just to find out it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for all of the things I have learned it's just... well I still feel partially paralyzed to candidly write about that since I still need a pay check. :) So, in my year of blogger silence, I have moved 4 times, broken up with my boyfriend and then months later got back together with him, got a new job, built up and then lost my savings twice, made fabulous friends, became a hockey fan, had my car bumper fixed (it’s been jacked up for 2 years, so that was a victory), settled into a church home and am now a muscle woman, due to the multiple moves. Oh yeah and I am on a billboard in Nashville!

Currently, I am back at the Bennett's home. The Bennett's are welcoming me back into their safe haven due to the unfortunate events surrounding my ever changing living situation. Laurel Bennett has been my personal saint in Nashville. She is way more than shelter to me; she is a big sister who is always looking out for her lost sheep, aka me. It is always a pleasure to be in their home. I am also undergoing some soul searching as far as my career goes. I know what I love, and I know what I am good at, so now I am going to chase it. That's what your 20s are for anyway, right? Well mine are at least. I am pumped about turning 24, because I am hopelessly committed to the idea that it will be a magical year. I am craving a fresh start and a new adventure.

It feels good to be back, no more hiatus, no more excuses.

You Hurt the Ones You Love

Wow... how backwards is that. I mean think about it, that shouldn’t be normal. But unfortunately that’s the way I act on a normal basis. The ones who would do the most for you, you hurt the most when you are stressed and upset. I am sure that is hardly how Jesus acted when He took the sin from the world or His closest friends betrayed Him. I highly doubt He told His father to leave Him alone. So if I, a follower of Christ, am supposed to model my life after His life then why is it “normal” to hurt the ones closest to you.

It’s ridiculous honestly. I think back on the last call before my father had his wreck and it pains me. He might not even think it was a big deal, but it brings tears to my eyes knowing it could have been the last time I talked to him. I was super short with him and said “I have a headache; I don’t want to talk to you. I told you I don’t feel good, call me later.” I mean are you KIDDING ME?!?! How dare I speak to my own father that way. If that had been the last time I spoke to my father I would be devastated.

I think about how painful it is to learn the lesson of why you shouldn’t treat the ones you love this way and I kinda wish I could learn that lesson without it being from experience. But then I realize, if I didn’t learn the lesson for myself and feel how bad I felt afterwards, then I would never fully understand why it is so bad. Even after I feel bad and know I was wrong, I get stressed and do it again.

I am fortunate enough to have many people who love me right now, who would stand by and love me through the lowest of lows. Yet in a low place, I have the audacity to turn my attitude against them. Jesus faced more pain than I will ever as a human understand, yet I act as if I have the right to take my pain out on others. It just blows my mind. Bad day or good day, the ones who truly love you would love you through the highs and the lows. So why treat them poorly? To take advantage of their love? Because at the end of the day they will still love you? That’s not cool, nor is it Christian of us. That is not what Jesus would do. What if God had mood swings? What if he just wasn’t in the mood to help us? The very reason we know love and we know how to love is because HE LOVED US FIRST.

Therefore I want to challenge everyone, when you are having a bad day and just want someone to back off or to take it out on them, take a second think about it. Is it worth it? Would Jesus act the way you are about to. I promise to take this challege as well. I know that no one is perfect (besides our Lord) but there is no harm in trying.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31
 “…‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31

"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

 

Welcome to the Real World

"Welcome to the real world"

5 words I thought I was ready for, SPOILER ALERT... I was not, and am not. Auburn was my safe place, I always knew that but I didn't know just how dependent I was on my little safety blanket. The harsh truth of my reliance of that place and the people there has risen to the surface. Not only so but I have been struggling with a strange negative outlook on life. This is not at all how I pictured my glamorous, fun, post college life.

I have been blessed BEYOND words these past few months; but I have a hard time looking at the glass half full, and I don't understand why. One night, way past my bedtime (which is when I do my best deep thinking) I realized that I was tired. But not your average, oh I should get some sleep tired, but spiritually exhausted. These past few months I had prayed my broken heart out for healing, and rejoiced harder than I had ever before, all in a short period. My heart has been on a yo-yo since May. Now the dust has settled and my new intern friends have all gone home and I am now an alumni of my safe place. So here I am a spiritually exhausted, scared little girl in a big city.

Hmmm... how can I refresh my thirst for Christ and get it back together. I haven't prayed as hard, or felt as moved as I used to in a while. I know that my heart is craving to get back in the game because every Sunday I cry during worship. My heart is crying out to God. I'm trying to be strong but maybe I am trying to do it all on my own without even knowing it. I am under a lot of real world stress that I am not use to and distractions that didn't use to be there. I have been really wondering if I have missed my purpose, or that I am in the wrong field of work. I am also trying to find a place to live; I have never cared so much about the cost. But when everything that is decent and safe is over half my pay check it is stressful and discouraging. Stress is an easy excuse, and one I have used for too long. I keep trying to figure it out on my own and do it fast; I feel like I don't have time to wait on God to tell me where to go. But that attitude is the same attitude that got me in a position of reconsidering if this is the right field of work for me. So now, more than ever I have to be patient. I have to continuously recite 1 Peter 5:7 (Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you) over and over.

God has no concern with earthly time; so when I hear the world's clock ticking and I am racing to find a new place to live, God is calling me to lean on Him. But the world wants me to think I don't have time. The devil is very clever and plays tricks on us to draw us away from God. I have been buying into those tricks and throwing myself a nice long pity party. I yearn for my Lord, I am starving for His Peace and thirsty for His Grace. I want to get back in the game. I want to put it all in His capable hands and bask in His presence. The Lord knows I want to live out His purpose for me, if I didn't I wouldn't be so stressed to find it, but if I was ready...I wouldn't be stressed. So I will wait, I will wait for my Lord. I will humble myself on my knees and I will give Him full control.

Daddy

        This has been something I have actively avoided writing about for over 3 weeks. One month ago today, my whole world came crashing down. Only two days before I made the move to Nashville I heard the phone ring in Mom’s room; I ran in there saw it was an unknown number and picked up. As expected the lady asked for my mom. I wasn’t too suspicious until mom went into the bathroom and got off the phone by saying, “Thank you, we will see you soon.” (Just as I am recalling this to you now my heart is racing and I am shaking.) She came out of the bathroom and told me to put on my shoes. I demanded to know why. I remember feeling the color leave my face and I was immediately cold as my Mom told me, that my sweet Daddy had been in an accident. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry and I couldn’t talk. I thought I was going to die. How? Why? What in this world was going on? Was he okay? What happened? As I got into the car like a shaking zombie, I refused to speak. Tears began to flow freely down my cold cheeks half way to Huntsville. Once we got to the ER they told us we could not see my Dad because they were going to temporarily put him to sleep and try to put his hip back in place. I freaked out. I lost it right there in the waiting room. I couldn’t see my Daddy. I cried myself into an asthma attack as I repeatedly begged my Mom to tell me why this happened to MY Daddy. With no answers but the Lord has a plan I eventually pulled it together.

        When I finally got to see my Dad he was covered in shattered glass, dried blood and massive bruises. I didn't cry (which is more than I can say for right now). I held his hand and told him how much I adored him. And I forgave him for the past and wanted him to promise me he would do everything in his power to fight through this. I got on my knees in that busy ER room and pleaded with the Lord to please save my Daddy and praised Him for not letting him die in the wreck. That night we stayed with him until he was moved into his room in the STICU (Surgical and Trauma Intensive Care Unit).

         The next week was full of visiting hours, surgeries and tears. Every time I prayed over my Daddy I cried. I felt and still feel so completely broken. Being right there and seeing my Dad in so much pain shattered what was left of my already damaged heart. It felt like someone had ripped my heart wide open and continued to pour alcohol directly into my wound. I tried to be strong for Daddy. I read him bible verses and we prayed together every time I saw him. I rejoiced all three times he made it successfully out of surgery (even though knowing someone was putting my Dad to sleep and cutting him open was an unbearable thought)! But nothing prepared us for the next unimaginable twist.

        Two weeks or so ago my Dad went from a little loopy to terrifyingly incapable of conversation or simple tasks. He would say crazy things that weren’t happening and was not making any sense. This was a point of concern for me. I insisted that that this was not normal and we take it seriously. My opinions were brushed aside until it not only continued but got worse. After crying to a doctor and watching my Dad do strange things with his hands and be unable to lie still, the doctors finally diagnosed him with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).  This was almost more painful to see than to see his body broken. I know that the Lord loves my Daddy’s soul more than his body but this really threw me. I wanted to talk to my Daddy. I wanted to speak to him and have him know who I was. I wanted him to be able to pray with me and ask me about my day. But this is clearly not about me.

        I have prayed for my heavenly Father to bring back my earthly father but I don’t always feel heard. Dad has good days and bad days, but last Friday when he called and sounded like my old Daddy I cried. I was so happy that the Lord was healing my dad but I knew something wasn’t right. I thought yeah well, he’ll just be back to crazy soon. My heart had hardened. I wasn’t optimistic anymore. I just assumed the happiness I was feeling wouldn't last.  This didn’t sit right with me, but I am not sure how to fix it. Unfortunately my dad is not doing well this week, and is back to not knowing what is going on.

        I have been told I am being strong but I can promise you I feel like anything but strong. My faith is starting to shake and the questions of WHY are coming to the surface. I know deep down in my heart this is wrong, and I am fighting it. I love the Lord and I am very blessed, but I am human; and I am falling short of the Glory of God as we all do. It is easier to be happy with the Lord when your life is going great, but it is in these dark “where are you days” that God can work on your heart the most. It is this simple and beautiful truth that is keeping me together. I know God will heal my Dad in his perfect timing whether it is in this life or the next. While I am still extremely confused I know I have to try my hardest not to ask the questions that I am not entitled to. I didn’t want to write about this because I knew it would hurt me all over again and show me just how broken and sad I really am. But maybe I have to reach that sad lonely place before I can really appreciate the Lord saving me and my Daddy.

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I know that my precious little family will get through this no matter what the outcome is. God has blessed me beyond what I deserve with the most amazing family and friends in the world. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. It means more to me than I could ever put into words.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY! 

Daddy the day after his wreck and before his first surgery.

Daddy and I the Friday after his wreck.

Daddy's cast covered in love and bible verses.

Taking Chances: Senior Speech.

Senior year comes and goes very quickly, and before I knew it the year was over. While at the last campus crusade meeting of the year I heard a message that moved me. A girl gave her testimony and talked about leaving an impact on those around you, especially while you are in college. I felt discouraged because I had let all four years slip by and had never tried to share God's love with those I encountered. Then I remembered I had one day left, and one shot left to change that.  

The next day was "Senior Speeches" in my sorority, meaning I had the opportunity to speak in front of 200 girls. At that point I had been feeling this little push inside me to talk about my past, but I wasn't sure. When I heard that message I felt like my answer was clear. I was going to take this last chance and talk to these girls about what had happened to me, and how God led me through it. I was nervous because this was not a typical senior speech and I would defiantly be going against the grain. After talking to family members and close friends I prayed that God would take my hand and write what He wanted me to say. Below is the actual speech that I read aloud to the girls of my sorority. I don't take credit for it at all, I was simply pleased to be an instrument. I hope you all enjoy! 

"I could sit up here and give shout outs all night long, but I am going to take a different approach. There are so many of you that I love and I hope that you know I love you, but for those of you who don’t know that I want you all to hear this.

For the past 4 years I have portrayed myself as the fun loving loud mouth, party girl who occasionally said funny things in a cynical manner and wanted to been seen as someone not to be crossed. But that is not how I want to leave this place. So tonight I am going to share a little about myself, what I have been through and who I want to be from now on.

First off I want to say some of the greatest friends you will ever have are sitting right next to you. I found mine here and would not be same person if I had not met them. I started off college as a very different person, all I cared about was having a good time and not making my parents too mad. Don’t get me wrong I had fun and had some really good times but I was living for all the wrong reasons and my world quickly turned upside down.

Sophomore year my grandfather suddenly passed away. This night will always remind me of my dear friend and sister Heather Howard. I called her and said that my grandfather had a brain aneurism and I had to go home immediately. Without missing a beat she packed my bags and my black dress before I could even get back to the dorm. That night I called her in the hall way at 12:30 to tell her my grandfather would not make it. She stopped what she was doing on a Saturday night and cried with me.

Little did I know that was the beginning to an extremely hard two years for my family. Later on Junior year my parents lost everything, our house was taken from us and my family was torn apart. I had the best friends surrounding me but I could not pick myself up of the ground. I needed something more than a shoulder to cry on. My mom told me that God was going to keep taking from me until I stopped and surrendered my life to him. I thought that was crazy talk and I was still mad. A few weeks later I went to church for the first time in a year. Something started to change in my heart.

I started off Senior year with a desire in my heart for more, slowly but surely the Lord was turning my life around. I was still acting the same on the outside but I was changing on the inside. I decided to start a bible study second semester this year and my sweet roomies were my faithful members. I don’t think they will ever fully know how much it meant for me to be able to talk with them about God.

One night I was absolutely inconsolable about what had happened to my family. I was on the floor in Amy’s room crying and Brittany said to me “Watching you go through this hard time has made us all want to grow closer to the Lord!” I immediately started crying because I was so happy. I will never forget Brittany’s kind and true words. I am so grateful for that moment.

Amy Cook has been my roommate for three years now, although we have not been besties for the full four years she means so much to me. She was the first person I went in depth with about the pain in my family and I feel so blessed to have had her as a partner.

Although I have been through some rough times in the past few years my sisters have stood by me, when I changed my focus to be more on Christ they supported me and helped me. I had never had friends like that before.

If you take anything away from my story know that I wasted so much time in college chasing after a good time, but now I get it. Life isn’t measured by how many nights you can’t remember but by how much love you have spread and how many lives you touch. Don’t waste time. I am by no means perfect and I have a lot of things to fix, but I didn’t want to leave this place without being honest with you all.

I love ya'll so much, even the girls who I haven’t had the pleasure to meet. If anyone ever needs anything or just wants to chat; I will always be here for you. I promise."