Daddy

        This has been something I have actively avoided writing about for over 3 weeks. One month ago today, my whole world came crashing down. Only two days before I made the move to Nashville I heard the phone ring in Mom’s room; I ran in there saw it was an unknown number and picked up. As expected the lady asked for my mom. I wasn’t too suspicious until mom went into the bathroom and got off the phone by saying, “Thank you, we will see you soon.” (Just as I am recalling this to you now my heart is racing and I am shaking.) She came out of the bathroom and told me to put on my shoes. I demanded to know why. I remember feeling the color leave my face and I was immediately cold as my Mom told me, that my sweet Daddy had been in an accident. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry and I couldn’t talk. I thought I was going to die. How? Why? What in this world was going on? Was he okay? What happened? As I got into the car like a shaking zombie, I refused to speak. Tears began to flow freely down my cold cheeks half way to Huntsville. Once we got to the ER they told us we could not see my Dad because they were going to temporarily put him to sleep and try to put his hip back in place. I freaked out. I lost it right there in the waiting room. I couldn’t see my Daddy. I cried myself into an asthma attack as I repeatedly begged my Mom to tell me why this happened to MY Daddy. With no answers but the Lord has a plan I eventually pulled it together.

        When I finally got to see my Dad he was covered in shattered glass, dried blood and massive bruises. I didn't cry (which is more than I can say for right now). I held his hand and told him how much I adored him. And I forgave him for the past and wanted him to promise me he would do everything in his power to fight through this. I got on my knees in that busy ER room and pleaded with the Lord to please save my Daddy and praised Him for not letting him die in the wreck. That night we stayed with him until he was moved into his room in the STICU (Surgical and Trauma Intensive Care Unit).

         The next week was full of visiting hours, surgeries and tears. Every time I prayed over my Daddy I cried. I felt and still feel so completely broken. Being right there and seeing my Dad in so much pain shattered what was left of my already damaged heart. It felt like someone had ripped my heart wide open and continued to pour alcohol directly into my wound. I tried to be strong for Daddy. I read him bible verses and we prayed together every time I saw him. I rejoiced all three times he made it successfully out of surgery (even though knowing someone was putting my Dad to sleep and cutting him open was an unbearable thought)! But nothing prepared us for the next unimaginable twist.

        Two weeks or so ago my Dad went from a little loopy to terrifyingly incapable of conversation or simple tasks. He would say crazy things that weren’t happening and was not making any sense. This was a point of concern for me. I insisted that that this was not normal and we take it seriously. My opinions were brushed aside until it not only continued but got worse. After crying to a doctor and watching my Dad do strange things with his hands and be unable to lie still, the doctors finally diagnosed him with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).  This was almost more painful to see than to see his body broken. I know that the Lord loves my Daddy’s soul more than his body but this really threw me. I wanted to talk to my Daddy. I wanted to speak to him and have him know who I was. I wanted him to be able to pray with me and ask me about my day. But this is clearly not about me.

        I have prayed for my heavenly Father to bring back my earthly father but I don’t always feel heard. Dad has good days and bad days, but last Friday when he called and sounded like my old Daddy I cried. I was so happy that the Lord was healing my dad but I knew something wasn’t right. I thought yeah well, he’ll just be back to crazy soon. My heart had hardened. I wasn’t optimistic anymore. I just assumed the happiness I was feeling wouldn't last.  This didn’t sit right with me, but I am not sure how to fix it. Unfortunately my dad is not doing well this week, and is back to not knowing what is going on.

        I have been told I am being strong but I can promise you I feel like anything but strong. My faith is starting to shake and the questions of WHY are coming to the surface. I know deep down in my heart this is wrong, and I am fighting it. I love the Lord and I am very blessed, but I am human; and I am falling short of the Glory of God as we all do. It is easier to be happy with the Lord when your life is going great, but it is in these dark “where are you days” that God can work on your heart the most. It is this simple and beautiful truth that is keeping me together. I know God will heal my Dad in his perfect timing whether it is in this life or the next. While I am still extremely confused I know I have to try my hardest not to ask the questions that I am not entitled to. I didn’t want to write about this because I knew it would hurt me all over again and show me just how broken and sad I really am. But maybe I have to reach that sad lonely place before I can really appreciate the Lord saving me and my Daddy.

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I know that my precious little family will get through this no matter what the outcome is. God has blessed me beyond what I deserve with the most amazing family and friends in the world. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. It means more to me than I could ever put into words.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY! 

Daddy the day after his wreck and before his first surgery.

Daddy and I the Friday after his wreck.

Daddy's cast covered in love and bible verses.