Daddy

        This has been something I have actively avoided writing about for over 3 weeks. One month ago today, my whole world came crashing down. Only two days before I made the move to Nashville I heard the phone ring in Mom’s room; I ran in there saw it was an unknown number and picked up. As expected the lady asked for my mom. I wasn’t too suspicious until mom went into the bathroom and got off the phone by saying, “Thank you, we will see you soon.” (Just as I am recalling this to you now my heart is racing and I am shaking.) She came out of the bathroom and told me to put on my shoes. I demanded to know why. I remember feeling the color leave my face and I was immediately cold as my Mom told me, that my sweet Daddy had been in an accident. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry and I couldn’t talk. I thought I was going to die. How? Why? What in this world was going on? Was he okay? What happened? As I got into the car like a shaking zombie, I refused to speak. Tears began to flow freely down my cold cheeks half way to Huntsville. Once we got to the ER they told us we could not see my Dad because they were going to temporarily put him to sleep and try to put his hip back in place. I freaked out. I lost it right there in the waiting room. I couldn’t see my Daddy. I cried myself into an asthma attack as I repeatedly begged my Mom to tell me why this happened to MY Daddy. With no answers but the Lord has a plan I eventually pulled it together.

        When I finally got to see my Dad he was covered in shattered glass, dried blood and massive bruises. I didn't cry (which is more than I can say for right now). I held his hand and told him how much I adored him. And I forgave him for the past and wanted him to promise me he would do everything in his power to fight through this. I got on my knees in that busy ER room and pleaded with the Lord to please save my Daddy and praised Him for not letting him die in the wreck. That night we stayed with him until he was moved into his room in the STICU (Surgical and Trauma Intensive Care Unit).

         The next week was full of visiting hours, surgeries and tears. Every time I prayed over my Daddy I cried. I felt and still feel so completely broken. Being right there and seeing my Dad in so much pain shattered what was left of my already damaged heart. It felt like someone had ripped my heart wide open and continued to pour alcohol directly into my wound. I tried to be strong for Daddy. I read him bible verses and we prayed together every time I saw him. I rejoiced all three times he made it successfully out of surgery (even though knowing someone was putting my Dad to sleep and cutting him open was an unbearable thought)! But nothing prepared us for the next unimaginable twist.

        Two weeks or so ago my Dad went from a little loopy to terrifyingly incapable of conversation or simple tasks. He would say crazy things that weren’t happening and was not making any sense. This was a point of concern for me. I insisted that that this was not normal and we take it seriously. My opinions were brushed aside until it not only continued but got worse. After crying to a doctor and watching my Dad do strange things with his hands and be unable to lie still, the doctors finally diagnosed him with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).  This was almost more painful to see than to see his body broken. I know that the Lord loves my Daddy’s soul more than his body but this really threw me. I wanted to talk to my Daddy. I wanted to speak to him and have him know who I was. I wanted him to be able to pray with me and ask me about my day. But this is clearly not about me.

        I have prayed for my heavenly Father to bring back my earthly father but I don’t always feel heard. Dad has good days and bad days, but last Friday when he called and sounded like my old Daddy I cried. I was so happy that the Lord was healing my dad but I knew something wasn’t right. I thought yeah well, he’ll just be back to crazy soon. My heart had hardened. I wasn’t optimistic anymore. I just assumed the happiness I was feeling wouldn't last.  This didn’t sit right with me, but I am not sure how to fix it. Unfortunately my dad is not doing well this week, and is back to not knowing what is going on.

        I have been told I am being strong but I can promise you I feel like anything but strong. My faith is starting to shake and the questions of WHY are coming to the surface. I know deep down in my heart this is wrong, and I am fighting it. I love the Lord and I am very blessed, but I am human; and I am falling short of the Glory of God as we all do. It is easier to be happy with the Lord when your life is going great, but it is in these dark “where are you days” that God can work on your heart the most. It is this simple and beautiful truth that is keeping me together. I know God will heal my Dad in his perfect timing whether it is in this life or the next. While I am still extremely confused I know I have to try my hardest not to ask the questions that I am not entitled to. I didn’t want to write about this because I knew it would hurt me all over again and show me just how broken and sad I really am. But maybe I have to reach that sad lonely place before I can really appreciate the Lord saving me and my Daddy.

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I know that my precious little family will get through this no matter what the outcome is. God has blessed me beyond what I deserve with the most amazing family and friends in the world. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. It means more to me than I could ever put into words.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY! 

Daddy the day after his wreck and before his first surgery.

Daddy and I the Friday after his wreck.

Daddy's cast covered in love and bible verses.

Taking Chances: Senior Speech.

Senior year comes and goes very quickly, and before I knew it the year was over. While at the last campus crusade meeting of the year I heard a message that moved me. A girl gave her testimony and talked about leaving an impact on those around you, especially while you are in college. I felt discouraged because I had let all four years slip by and had never tried to share God's love with those I encountered. Then I remembered I had one day left, and one shot left to change that.  

The next day was "Senior Speeches" in my sorority, meaning I had the opportunity to speak in front of 200 girls. At that point I had been feeling this little push inside me to talk about my past, but I wasn't sure. When I heard that message I felt like my answer was clear. I was going to take this last chance and talk to these girls about what had happened to me, and how God led me through it. I was nervous because this was not a typical senior speech and I would defiantly be going against the grain. After talking to family members and close friends I prayed that God would take my hand and write what He wanted me to say. Below is the actual speech that I read aloud to the girls of my sorority. I don't take credit for it at all, I was simply pleased to be an instrument. I hope you all enjoy! 

"I could sit up here and give shout outs all night long, but I am going to take a different approach. There are so many of you that I love and I hope that you know I love you, but for those of you who don’t know that I want you all to hear this.

For the past 4 years I have portrayed myself as the fun loving loud mouth, party girl who occasionally said funny things in a cynical manner and wanted to been seen as someone not to be crossed. But that is not how I want to leave this place. So tonight I am going to share a little about myself, what I have been through and who I want to be from now on.

First off I want to say some of the greatest friends you will ever have are sitting right next to you. I found mine here and would not be same person if I had not met them. I started off college as a very different person, all I cared about was having a good time and not making my parents too mad. Don’t get me wrong I had fun and had some really good times but I was living for all the wrong reasons and my world quickly turned upside down.

Sophomore year my grandfather suddenly passed away. This night will always remind me of my dear friend and sister Heather Howard. I called her and said that my grandfather had a brain aneurism and I had to go home immediately. Without missing a beat she packed my bags and my black dress before I could even get back to the dorm. That night I called her in the hall way at 12:30 to tell her my grandfather would not make it. She stopped what she was doing on a Saturday night and cried with me.

Little did I know that was the beginning to an extremely hard two years for my family. Later on Junior year my parents lost everything, our house was taken from us and my family was torn apart. I had the best friends surrounding me but I could not pick myself up of the ground. I needed something more than a shoulder to cry on. My mom told me that God was going to keep taking from me until I stopped and surrendered my life to him. I thought that was crazy talk and I was still mad. A few weeks later I went to church for the first time in a year. Something started to change in my heart.

I started off Senior year with a desire in my heart for more, slowly but surely the Lord was turning my life around. I was still acting the same on the outside but I was changing on the inside. I decided to start a bible study second semester this year and my sweet roomies were my faithful members. I don’t think they will ever fully know how much it meant for me to be able to talk with them about God.

One night I was absolutely inconsolable about what had happened to my family. I was on the floor in Amy’s room crying and Brittany said to me “Watching you go through this hard time has made us all want to grow closer to the Lord!” I immediately started crying because I was so happy. I will never forget Brittany’s kind and true words. I am so grateful for that moment.

Amy Cook has been my roommate for three years now, although we have not been besties for the full four years she means so much to me. She was the first person I went in depth with about the pain in my family and I feel so blessed to have had her as a partner.

Although I have been through some rough times in the past few years my sisters have stood by me, when I changed my focus to be more on Christ they supported me and helped me. I had never had friends like that before.

If you take anything away from my story know that I wasted so much time in college chasing after a good time, but now I get it. Life isn’t measured by how many nights you can’t remember but by how much love you have spread and how many lives you touch. Don’t waste time. I am by no means perfect and I have a lot of things to fix, but I didn’t want to leave this place without being honest with you all.

I love ya'll so much, even the girls who I haven’t had the pleasure to meet. If anyone ever needs anything or just wants to chat; I will always be here for you. I promise."