You Hurt the Ones You Love

Wow... how backwards is that. I mean think about it, that shouldn’t be normal. But unfortunately that’s the way I act on a normal basis. The ones who would do the most for you, you hurt the most when you are stressed and upset. I am sure that is hardly how Jesus acted when He took the sin from the world or His closest friends betrayed Him. I highly doubt He told His father to leave Him alone. So if I, a follower of Christ, am supposed to model my life after His life then why is it “normal” to hurt the ones closest to you.

It’s ridiculous honestly. I think back on the last call before my father had his wreck and it pains me. He might not even think it was a big deal, but it brings tears to my eyes knowing it could have been the last time I talked to him. I was super short with him and said “I have a headache; I don’t want to talk to you. I told you I don’t feel good, call me later.” I mean are you KIDDING ME?!?! How dare I speak to my own father that way. If that had been the last time I spoke to my father I would be devastated.

I think about how painful it is to learn the lesson of why you shouldn’t treat the ones you love this way and I kinda wish I could learn that lesson without it being from experience. But then I realize, if I didn’t learn the lesson for myself and feel how bad I felt afterwards, then I would never fully understand why it is so bad. Even after I feel bad and know I was wrong, I get stressed and do it again.

I am fortunate enough to have many people who love me right now, who would stand by and love me through the lowest of lows. Yet in a low place, I have the audacity to turn my attitude against them. Jesus faced more pain than I will ever as a human understand, yet I act as if I have the right to take my pain out on others. It just blows my mind. Bad day or good day, the ones who truly love you would love you through the highs and the lows. So why treat them poorly? To take advantage of their love? Because at the end of the day they will still love you? That’s not cool, nor is it Christian of us. That is not what Jesus would do. What if God had mood swings? What if he just wasn’t in the mood to help us? The very reason we know love and we know how to love is because HE LOVED US FIRST.

Therefore I want to challenge everyone, when you are having a bad day and just want someone to back off or to take it out on them, take a second think about it. Is it worth it? Would Jesus act the way you are about to. I promise to take this challege as well. I know that no one is perfect (besides our Lord) but there is no harm in trying.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31
 “…‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31

"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

 

Welcome to the Real World

"Welcome to the real world"

5 words I thought I was ready for, SPOILER ALERT... I was not, and am not. Auburn was my safe place, I always knew that but I didn't know just how dependent I was on my little safety blanket. The harsh truth of my reliance of that place and the people there has risen to the surface. Not only so but I have been struggling with a strange negative outlook on life. This is not at all how I pictured my glamorous, fun, post college life.

I have been blessed BEYOND words these past few months; but I have a hard time looking at the glass half full, and I don't understand why. One night, way past my bedtime (which is when I do my best deep thinking) I realized that I was tired. But not your average, oh I should get some sleep tired, but spiritually exhausted. These past few months I had prayed my broken heart out for healing, and rejoiced harder than I had ever before, all in a short period. My heart has been on a yo-yo since May. Now the dust has settled and my new intern friends have all gone home and I am now an alumni of my safe place. So here I am a spiritually exhausted, scared little girl in a big city.

Hmmm... how can I refresh my thirst for Christ and get it back together. I haven't prayed as hard, or felt as moved as I used to in a while. I know that my heart is craving to get back in the game because every Sunday I cry during worship. My heart is crying out to God. I'm trying to be strong but maybe I am trying to do it all on my own without even knowing it. I am under a lot of real world stress that I am not use to and distractions that didn't use to be there. I have been really wondering if I have missed my purpose, or that I am in the wrong field of work. I am also trying to find a place to live; I have never cared so much about the cost. But when everything that is decent and safe is over half my pay check it is stressful and discouraging. Stress is an easy excuse, and one I have used for too long. I keep trying to figure it out on my own and do it fast; I feel like I don't have time to wait on God to tell me where to go. But that attitude is the same attitude that got me in a position of reconsidering if this is the right field of work for me. So now, more than ever I have to be patient. I have to continuously recite 1 Peter 5:7 (Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you) over and over.

God has no concern with earthly time; so when I hear the world's clock ticking and I am racing to find a new place to live, God is calling me to lean on Him. But the world wants me to think I don't have time. The devil is very clever and plays tricks on us to draw us away from God. I have been buying into those tricks and throwing myself a nice long pity party. I yearn for my Lord, I am starving for His Peace and thirsty for His Grace. I want to get back in the game. I want to put it all in His capable hands and bask in His presence. The Lord knows I want to live out His purpose for me, if I didn't I wouldn't be so stressed to find it, but if I was ready...I wouldn't be stressed. So I will wait, I will wait for my Lord. I will humble myself on my knees and I will give Him full control.

Daddy

        This has been something I have actively avoided writing about for over 3 weeks. One month ago today, my whole world came crashing down. Only two days before I made the move to Nashville I heard the phone ring in Mom’s room; I ran in there saw it was an unknown number and picked up. As expected the lady asked for my mom. I wasn’t too suspicious until mom went into the bathroom and got off the phone by saying, “Thank you, we will see you soon.” (Just as I am recalling this to you now my heart is racing and I am shaking.) She came out of the bathroom and told me to put on my shoes. I demanded to know why. I remember feeling the color leave my face and I was immediately cold as my Mom told me, that my sweet Daddy had been in an accident. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry and I couldn’t talk. I thought I was going to die. How? Why? What in this world was going on? Was he okay? What happened? As I got into the car like a shaking zombie, I refused to speak. Tears began to flow freely down my cold cheeks half way to Huntsville. Once we got to the ER they told us we could not see my Dad because they were going to temporarily put him to sleep and try to put his hip back in place. I freaked out. I lost it right there in the waiting room. I couldn’t see my Daddy. I cried myself into an asthma attack as I repeatedly begged my Mom to tell me why this happened to MY Daddy. With no answers but the Lord has a plan I eventually pulled it together.

        When I finally got to see my Dad he was covered in shattered glass, dried blood and massive bruises. I didn't cry (which is more than I can say for right now). I held his hand and told him how much I adored him. And I forgave him for the past and wanted him to promise me he would do everything in his power to fight through this. I got on my knees in that busy ER room and pleaded with the Lord to please save my Daddy and praised Him for not letting him die in the wreck. That night we stayed with him until he was moved into his room in the STICU (Surgical and Trauma Intensive Care Unit).

         The next week was full of visiting hours, surgeries and tears. Every time I prayed over my Daddy I cried. I felt and still feel so completely broken. Being right there and seeing my Dad in so much pain shattered what was left of my already damaged heart. It felt like someone had ripped my heart wide open and continued to pour alcohol directly into my wound. I tried to be strong for Daddy. I read him bible verses and we prayed together every time I saw him. I rejoiced all three times he made it successfully out of surgery (even though knowing someone was putting my Dad to sleep and cutting him open was an unbearable thought)! But nothing prepared us for the next unimaginable twist.

        Two weeks or so ago my Dad went from a little loopy to terrifyingly incapable of conversation or simple tasks. He would say crazy things that weren’t happening and was not making any sense. This was a point of concern for me. I insisted that that this was not normal and we take it seriously. My opinions were brushed aside until it not only continued but got worse. After crying to a doctor and watching my Dad do strange things with his hands and be unable to lie still, the doctors finally diagnosed him with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).  This was almost more painful to see than to see his body broken. I know that the Lord loves my Daddy’s soul more than his body but this really threw me. I wanted to talk to my Daddy. I wanted to speak to him and have him know who I was. I wanted him to be able to pray with me and ask me about my day. But this is clearly not about me.

        I have prayed for my heavenly Father to bring back my earthly father but I don’t always feel heard. Dad has good days and bad days, but last Friday when he called and sounded like my old Daddy I cried. I was so happy that the Lord was healing my dad but I knew something wasn’t right. I thought yeah well, he’ll just be back to crazy soon. My heart had hardened. I wasn’t optimistic anymore. I just assumed the happiness I was feeling wouldn't last.  This didn’t sit right with me, but I am not sure how to fix it. Unfortunately my dad is not doing well this week, and is back to not knowing what is going on.

        I have been told I am being strong but I can promise you I feel like anything but strong. My faith is starting to shake and the questions of WHY are coming to the surface. I know deep down in my heart this is wrong, and I am fighting it. I love the Lord and I am very blessed, but I am human; and I am falling short of the Glory of God as we all do. It is easier to be happy with the Lord when your life is going great, but it is in these dark “where are you days” that God can work on your heart the most. It is this simple and beautiful truth that is keeping me together. I know God will heal my Dad in his perfect timing whether it is in this life or the next. While I am still extremely confused I know I have to try my hardest not to ask the questions that I am not entitled to. I didn’t want to write about this because I knew it would hurt me all over again and show me just how broken and sad I really am. But maybe I have to reach that sad lonely place before I can really appreciate the Lord saving me and my Daddy.

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I know that my precious little family will get through this no matter what the outcome is. God has blessed me beyond what I deserve with the most amazing family and friends in the world. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. It means more to me than I could ever put into words.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY! 

Daddy the day after his wreck and before his first surgery.

Daddy and I the Friday after his wreck.

Daddy's cast covered in love and bible verses.

Taking Chances: Senior Speech.

Senior year comes and goes very quickly, and before I knew it the year was over. While at the last campus crusade meeting of the year I heard a message that moved me. A girl gave her testimony and talked about leaving an impact on those around you, especially while you are in college. I felt discouraged because I had let all four years slip by and had never tried to share God's love with those I encountered. Then I remembered I had one day left, and one shot left to change that.  

The next day was "Senior Speeches" in my sorority, meaning I had the opportunity to speak in front of 200 girls. At that point I had been feeling this little push inside me to talk about my past, but I wasn't sure. When I heard that message I felt like my answer was clear. I was going to take this last chance and talk to these girls about what had happened to me, and how God led me through it. I was nervous because this was not a typical senior speech and I would defiantly be going against the grain. After talking to family members and close friends I prayed that God would take my hand and write what He wanted me to say. Below is the actual speech that I read aloud to the girls of my sorority. I don't take credit for it at all, I was simply pleased to be an instrument. I hope you all enjoy! 

"I could sit up here and give shout outs all night long, but I am going to take a different approach. There are so many of you that I love and I hope that you know I love you, but for those of you who don’t know that I want you all to hear this.

For the past 4 years I have portrayed myself as the fun loving loud mouth, party girl who occasionally said funny things in a cynical manner and wanted to been seen as someone not to be crossed. But that is not how I want to leave this place. So tonight I am going to share a little about myself, what I have been through and who I want to be from now on.

First off I want to say some of the greatest friends you will ever have are sitting right next to you. I found mine here and would not be same person if I had not met them. I started off college as a very different person, all I cared about was having a good time and not making my parents too mad. Don’t get me wrong I had fun and had some really good times but I was living for all the wrong reasons and my world quickly turned upside down.

Sophomore year my grandfather suddenly passed away. This night will always remind me of my dear friend and sister Heather Howard. I called her and said that my grandfather had a brain aneurism and I had to go home immediately. Without missing a beat she packed my bags and my black dress before I could even get back to the dorm. That night I called her in the hall way at 12:30 to tell her my grandfather would not make it. She stopped what she was doing on a Saturday night and cried with me.

Little did I know that was the beginning to an extremely hard two years for my family. Later on Junior year my parents lost everything, our house was taken from us and my family was torn apart. I had the best friends surrounding me but I could not pick myself up of the ground. I needed something more than a shoulder to cry on. My mom told me that God was going to keep taking from me until I stopped and surrendered my life to him. I thought that was crazy talk and I was still mad. A few weeks later I went to church for the first time in a year. Something started to change in my heart.

I started off Senior year with a desire in my heart for more, slowly but surely the Lord was turning my life around. I was still acting the same on the outside but I was changing on the inside. I decided to start a bible study second semester this year and my sweet roomies were my faithful members. I don’t think they will ever fully know how much it meant for me to be able to talk with them about God.

One night I was absolutely inconsolable about what had happened to my family. I was on the floor in Amy’s room crying and Brittany said to me “Watching you go through this hard time has made us all want to grow closer to the Lord!” I immediately started crying because I was so happy. I will never forget Brittany’s kind and true words. I am so grateful for that moment.

Amy Cook has been my roommate for three years now, although we have not been besties for the full four years she means so much to me. She was the first person I went in depth with about the pain in my family and I feel so blessed to have had her as a partner.

Although I have been through some rough times in the past few years my sisters have stood by me, when I changed my focus to be more on Christ they supported me and helped me. I had never had friends like that before.

If you take anything away from my story know that I wasted so much time in college chasing after a good time, but now I get it. Life isn’t measured by how many nights you can’t remember but by how much love you have spread and how many lives you touch. Don’t waste time. I am by no means perfect and I have a lot of things to fix, but I didn’t want to leave this place without being honest with you all.

I love ya'll so much, even the girls who I haven’t had the pleasure to meet. If anyone ever needs anything or just wants to chat; I will always be here for you. I promise."

God's Timing

Do you ever have those moments when you know God loves you, specifically you? Well I do, and I have been blessed with quite a few of those moments recently as the Lord has answered some of my prayers.

         As many of you know I have been hunting for the perfect internship for about a year now. It has been a long journey; a journey that was going to require every bit of trust in the Lord that I could muster up. One year ago I stumbled upon an application for an internship with CMT (Country Music Television) which of course became my dream internship. I felt it was a long shot, yet I couldn't find any other internship that got me as excited as the one at CMT. I had to wait for months before I could apply for CMT, so in the mean time I kept my eyes open for other great opportunities. In January I received a booklet from Campus Crusade Summer Project and saw that they had an internship that would fit my needs in Boston! I was immediately intrigued.

          I applied for both internships and knew I would be happy with either of them. I figured I would work hard to put my best foot forward in the application process and leave it up to God. So I did... and I waited... and waited...and was excited... then scared...tried to be patient...started to worry...and then wrote the last blog entry (which is kind of like therapy for me). The previous post was about trusting the Lord to handle all aspects of your life; and striving to let go of the fear and trust completely in Him. Within four hours of posting that entry I got an e-mail from the Boston Project crew saying I was accepted into the program. I was so thrilled and in awe of His timing! As the next few weeks went by I was still in the back of my mind hoping CMT would offer me an internship too; but I was nervous of being faced with that decision.

           On spring break I got an email from CMT saying they wanted an interview, I was in shock. Was God going to let me choose? Or was this a trick? Is God testing me to see if I chose Him or the CMT? I had to remind myself many, many times that I had not even had the interview so I was getting a little ahead of myself. Within two days I was on the phone with the internship coordinators at CMT. This was all happening so fast, my head was spinning. Three days after I interviewed with CMT I got an e-mail from Boston. My heart stopped when I read the line "within 72 hours"...I was going to have to make a decision between an internship I had already been offered and one I hadn't heard back from in the next 3 days. I PANICKED! I was terrified at first, how was I supposed to choose when I didn't even know if CMT wanted me? Then I got a little upset. I had gotten excited about the idea of weighing the two internships against each other, and now I wasn't going to be able to.      

          After I got the e-mail from Boston telling me I had 72 hours I went to lunch with my roommate Amy. She tried to cheer me up, and remind me that God has a plan and I just have to trust in Him and follow the plan (Which is what I always say, it's just a little harder to practice what you preach). So I talked to God. I told him if I didn't hear from CMT in the next three days that I would happily take the Boston internship and serve Him up north. We split ways after lunch and I looked at my phone to see what time it was and saw I had an e-mail. I opened it and stopped dead in my tracks. The subject line said "CONGRATULATIONS from CMT". I literally could not move. God had heard me, me, and He answered my prayer within minutes. All I had to do was honestly tell him it was up to Him and just like that He told me He loved me.

             I think I read the e-mail 4 times. I called Amy who was also in awe of His timing once again. I have always thought of Christ as someone who hears my prayers but never that fast, not when it wasn't a life or death situation. But He answered and I heard Him. I called CMT who then gave me 24 hours to decide, which I gladly accepted since now, at least, I could choose. I did not want anyone's opinion on which internship I should choose. I wanted to make a decision with just me and my heavenly Father.  It wasn't until the next day when mom asked me why I hadn't decided yet that I admitted that I felt like God might be mad at me if I didn't go to Boston, if I didn't choose to work for Him. Mom said something to me that was so incredibly true it still rocks me to my core. "You are not choosing between God or CMT. God should always be your profession, no matter where you are. Whether you're in Nashville, Boston or Auburn, we are His people, here to do His work, every day." And she is so right! If He is going to take time out of His (I can only imagine) busy day to promptly answer one of my prayers and tell me He loves me; then the least I can do is make Him my profession no matter where I go.

           The Lord is so faithful, He is so loving. It may not seem easy to do, but trusting and believing in Him can make all the difference. He hears our prayers, all of them no matter how small we may think they might be in the grand scheme of things.

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe." Psalm 61: 1-3

Trust in Him

        Senior year, spring semester.... Man there is nothing like the pressure you feel during this time. And it does not help that it is MARCH! Where did that come from?! All of this pressure and all of the stress has really weighed me down lately. I have found myself lost in worrying about the future.


        Where am I going to be living? Where am I going to be interning? How am I going to get by money wise this summer? Should I get a part time job? Will I be able to buy food? Will this summer be like the summer of 2010, a constant struggle to even put gas in my car? Am I going to be okay with out my best friends? I could literally go on for hours with all the questions I have about the future. I make myself sick worrying about all of the unknown that is looking at me straight in the face. Just as I begin to break down for the 100th time I am starting to hear the Lord whisper. Trust. Trust me. Don't be shaky in your faith. Trust. I am not going to let you down. So I trust.


          Trust in general does not come easy for me. I have been burned many times which has left me scarred and reluctant to trust. So I like to control things. That way I don't have to trust that someone else won't let me down. If I can just plan out my future exactly the way I want it, then I'm good. I will know where I am going therefore I will be at ease. But it doesn't work like that, not even kind of. I have no control. And that can be frightening, right?  Well if fear is what I feel when I look at the future then I do not have faith that the Lord will provide for me. Fear and worrying about the future is the same as telling the Lord, I do not have faith in your plan, I do not trust you to take control. When I start to feel that worrying creep up on me, I try to remember what message I am sending to the One that commands the sun to rise in the morning.


        There are many times in our lives where God asks us to trust completely in Him. When the future is scary, when a loved one passes away, when you feel lost, or when you don't have enough money to pay the bills. He will provide. He is the way. Take it from me, the Lord has led me out of many dark places, sometimes even had to drag me out of them. But He always hears, He always rescues, and He always has a plan. Although it might not be easy, trust in the One who spoke you into motion, His plan is better than yours anyway!


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

"but God..."

       As some of you may know I went to the Passion conference in Atlanta over Christmas break. This conference awoke, refreshed, and equipped me in many ways. One of the lessons that struck a chord in me revolved around Ephesians chapter 2. In this particular chapter of Ephesians Paul talks about how we are made alive in Christ. Verses 1-3 talk about all of us being dead in our transgressions; it states that we are "by nature objects of wrath" and that we have all gratified "the cravings of our sinful nature". After this bad news verses 4-5 say "But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)" The leader then said as we continued throughout the day and thought about all we did that separated us from God to remember "But God is so rich in mercy".

      I am telling you this for a few reasons; the first is because I have a hard time forgiving myself for my past and for my sins in general. I tend to get bogged down with disappointment in myself rather than thanking God for saving me from the depths of my sin. Which is sad and ironic in a way because I am being selfish and self-centered in my reflection of my sin (I would love to play the 'only child, it’s not my fault' card right about now, typical huh?!). This verse really puts it all in perspective for me. Yeah, by nature I am sinner, a child of wrath and gratifying my cravings for sin, But God interrupts that sad story with the most beautiful news. Because he is so rich in mercy he sent his Son down to live a perfect life and takes the weight of my sin so I can be forgiven. This simple yet powerful phrase "But God..." has reminded me of that, and helped me immensely.

         This verse took a whole new hold on me as I relayed this message to a family member. This particular family member (as you may know from my previous post, has lied to many people and deeply hurt loved ones) was asked to do something that was going to force him to come face to face with his transgressions. This would be intimidating and frightening for just about everyone. Seeing all of your sins in black and white and realizing just how far you are from God is NOT a good feeling. I could see in his eyes that he was scared. I told him what I had learned about God's mercy, and how even though it’s hard for others to forgive him, his Father already has. God knows his heart and I know He would not leave this family member alone; all he has to is ask.  Ask for God's presence, ask for God's forgiveness, ask for God's mercy and truly repent. I told him after every past lie that he was faced with to remember, "But God..." God loves this family member, I know he does, and I have full confidence that he will continue to work in him. God is SO good and so merciful it is just mind blowing.

          So when we are face to face with our sinful nature, it is my prayer that we all remember "But God..." and we give thanks and glory to God for "..it is by grace you have been saved." (Ephesians 
2:5)

 I painted this to represent our sin (the black) His blood shed (the red) and  white hand because we are made clean and new because of His loving mercy.